Wednesday, December 19, 2007

How to be a terrorist in the UK

Becoming a terrorist in the UK is quite involved. For starters, you need to get your head around the Terrorism Act 2000, Anti-terrorism, Crime and Security Act 2001 and the Prevention of Terrorism Act 2005. And I might have missed a few.

Ok, so reading all of that is going to be a bit too much like work, let's rather find some of the people charged under the terrorism act - maybe that will give us a better idea of what to aim for.

Our first candidate is Sally Cameron. She was arrested under the terrorism act for walking on a cycle path. But she was never prosecuted and convicted, so I guess we'll skip her.

Ok, what about Walter Wolfgang then? He sounds German-ish so he might be a good role model. What made him a clear and present danger to the British public was heckling Jack Straw at a New Labour conference and he was subsequently questioned under the terrorism act. It turns out he's not only not a terrorist, but was a Jewish prisoner interned in the concentration camps by the Nazis. At least he'll feel at home in our Brave New Britain!

I guess we'll have to move on to Samina Malik. They got her fair and square and managed to secure a conviction against this dangerous terrorist. So we finally have someone we can model our plans around. Lets get to it...

Firstly, you have to write crap poetry and have a cool name. Calling yourself the Lyrical Terrorist will get you a conviction, but being the Lyrical Gangster will just get you thousands of dollars and a gold record or two. It's a fine line, so work on this one quite carefully! Apparently it can't just be random whiny emo poetry, so you're not going to be the next My Chemical Romance, but remember, we're going for terrorism here, not MTV stardom. Focus dammit!

To be fair, ever since high school I've supported the death penalty for people who subject us to crap lyrics and poems, but I've done that for the sake of art, not national security.

The second step is to enter the following terms into Google:

  • al-qaeda poison manual

  • terrorist handbook

For the first search term, you need to download the 5th link that is returned, titled "al qaeda training manual". For the second term, you should download the document at the first search result titled "The Terrorist's Handbook". Sadly, it looks like the poison guys don't have a good SEO resource on their team, but maybe persistence will finally get them up there at the number one spot.

You'll note that this information is freely available in multiple places on the web, but even so, you need to keep these on your hard drive so that later you can show that you had possession of them without having a good reason.

The third, and possibly most tricky step is to be brown. I know that many of us will face strong challenges at this point, as I personally am as lily-white as they come. But if you're really dedicated, frequent visits to the south of Spain or your local tanning salon should do the trick. Just don't do the Essex girl thing and go orange - you'll be SOL if you do that!

That's it - three easy steps to becoming a terrorist, getting a criminal record that will follow you for life, and ruining your employment chances forever.

What!? You thought you had to be caught in the midst of some plot to injure thousands of people? You thought they would have to find at least _some_ sign of you having contact with terrorist organisations? What about proving that you had the means and ability to either coordinate or carry out an attack? Nah, shite poetry and you're half way there.

Like the judge said in his findings, "These communications strongly indicate Samina Malik was deeply involved with terrorist related groups". You'll note that he doesn't mention that they have a single shred of credible evidence to this end, just that some crap poems indicate that she was deeply involved. Lord only knows what these blog entries and my tales from Africa would indicate to this lot!

We now interrupt this programming to bring you an unscheduled rant....

The powers that be are now trying to get the amount of time that they can hold someone without charging them extended to 42 days. At the moment if you are arrested under the terrorism act, they can lock you away for 28 days without having to charge you at all. They don't have to show you or your lawyer the evidence that they have arrested you on, and they don't have to justify their actions. That's nearly a month. That's a month that your family won't know what is happening, that your employers won't know if you're coming back or not, and YOU won't know the state of your future.

Yet look at how these powers are being abused! One of the highest profile convictions was against a whiny fucking emo chick who wrote shit poetry and downloaded crap off of the Internet. When we're not using them for that, we're keeping political dissent to a minimum by throwing 80+ year old Nazi camp survivors out of party conferences.

Put your foot down and write to your MP today! Tell them that no matter how much you may approve of their policies, you WILL ban them from office for 4 years in the next election JUST to punish them for backing these stupid policies. Call it a time-out, some time to reflect on the harm that they have done to our freedom, our social cohesion and conscience and our way of life that survived centuries of attack from both without and within.

When did reading become a crime? When did having certain books become enough for a supposedly progressive government to ruin your life?

In closing, a short poem... I wonder what extremest connections this Martin Niemoller bloke has?

First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left
to speak out for me.
Pastor Martin Niemöller


  • Good call - particularly the reference to the poem. Always good to remember that one once in a while.

    By Blogger Clare, at 9:48 pm  

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